What - I have to Experience My Childhood Again?

“In search of my mother's garden, I found my own.” - Alice Walker

My Purple Fantasy

It's an amazing thing that as a parent you assume the role of role model but at the same time the hurts and baggage that you carried from childhood comes to stare you in the face. Yep, stare you down with all its crap and with the ferociousness of a lion roaring at your face. Things that you thought you got over long ago, it's right there with the same pain and messiness. 

We just entered teenagedom, and I put "we" because this time, tumultuous as it is, is haunting me. It's an amazing time, and I am just happy it's not me experiencing it again. It's a joy to watch this beautiful young creature grow into a graceful young lady full of opinions and her own beliefs. But then there's the snarkiness and moodiness and slamming of doors. I experienced this once, why do I have to go through it again?

But as I realize it's a time of her asserting what kind of adult she is becoming, it's a wonderful, wild and rough adventure. I just I live to see it through, to see what kind of young person she is. Right now, she wants to be president, a woman and a hispanic president.

And what I realize is that some of the things that I learned as a kid that marred me are affecting me, not only as a parent, but as a person. Like the time my dad chewed me out for using 409 on the vinyl seats in the car. Or my mom told me I was too slow. I thought I got over that. But I realize that I have been my dad at times to my kiddo, hopefully less and I apologized and apologized.

The truth is my dad's dad and his dad and mother and on and on, influenced him. And my mother was raised to believe that she was inadequate. Here's what I do every day. I weed my garden, pulling out the weeds that are choking my soul, and appreciate that beauty of my mother's garden. And my father's. Yep, I used 409 but the label said it was for vinyl as well. And yep, I am slow. Like Pablo Picasso said, "my mother said to me, 'If you are a soldier, you will become a general. If you are monk, you will become the Pope.' Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso."

So I forgive them and hope my kiddo forgives me. And in my father's garden, I learned to embrace difficulty. Disabled, when it was too painful to walk, he would crawl to bed with a smile beaming with light. He had learned to tend the garden of his soul and grow beautiful flowers. And from my mom, I learned to laugh. And Yep, I am a digital artist, Billie Ray. My kiddo is an amazing soul. And right now, she's staring me down to get to the phone!

My Purple Fantasy is available as 8x10" archival print. If you want a larger one, or a 6x6" tile, Send me a message!

"Everyone has inside of him a piece of good news. The good news is that you don't know how great you can be! How much you can love! What you can accomplish! And what your potential is!"     -  Anne Frank